Even Steven

So I was in this friendship with a guy, I'd known for several years and in all those years the routine was the same. I give, he take, I give he take. So on and so on for almost 20 years. Finally it dawned on me that our friendship wasn't a friendship at all but was in actuality a fauxship pretending to be a friendship. Fauxships are not real they are fake. They can seem like friendships and even have some of the characteristics of genuine friendships except for one thing, it's usually one sided. Here I was with my "friend" and he would call me only when he needed something, or when his girlfriend (for the moment) wasn't available. Then he would turn to good old reliable me. And like a fool I allowed that foolishness to go on for years. You have to be able to tell the difference between faux and genuine. Faux means imitation or artificial and that's what you may be experiencing if you find your "friend" is contributing less to the ship then you are. He or she may call every once in a while and only when in need of money, encouragement or comfort. They may not be able to handle when your going through and will rush off when you call or be unavailable at crucial moments. If you find that is the case in your situation then I would like to say abandon ship immediately! Don't waste another moment of your precious time on something that is not real but imitation. You deserve better, heck I deserved better and so I jumped ship in the middle or maybe it was the last of the journey and though the swim home was long and a little lonely it was well worth it. Now when I encounter potential friends I make sure that they are actually genuine friends and not faux in disguise the minute I scent a hint of fakeness, I stop, drop and row the other way. My life and time is too valuable to be wasting it with artificial when the real deal is just out there waiting to be discovered.

Am I speaking English?

I'm finding more and more myself in situations where, I am having to utilize the word no, a lot. I guess being known as having a soft heart is not such a bad thing, it only becomes a problem when people think it's an open door to try and take advantage. Hey girl can you handle this for me? Or hey do you think you can do this for me like right now, thanks your the greatest. Or what about the friends who you never hear from and only call when they require your assistance. "You know I've been thinking about you, I've just been so busy but any way I'm calling now, I need a favor. Are you serious? I mean come on people I'm saved, not a sucker! I don't mind helping out but if I find out the sole reason for our friendship is what I can do for you, then your friendship is no longer desired. Good grief! But what really burns my buttons is when I say no and people respond as though I never said anything at all. As if to say, "Surely that no does not apply to me!" Here's a news flash, from now on, no applies to you, your mama and anybody else in your family who is looking to suck me dry. I'm tired go bug somebody else!

It's so hard to say goodbye...

Here I am dodging calls from a guy who just two weeks ago I couldn't seem to get enough of. It's not that I'm finicky or uppity but excuse me for wanting a man who only wants me. Maybe it's arrogance talking, but I like the idea of being the only one. I like the idea that when he leaves a date with me he won't be heading out on his third one for the day. I like the idea that I'm enough. So I find myself missing the idea of him, I miss having a man to talk to and laugh with. To cuddle and even to kiss. But I don't miss having to share one. Lately, the Holy Spirit has been revealing all the counterfeit brothers who seem to be drifting into my peaceful waters, causing waves and drowning my dreams with their shenanigans. Ahh, to be in a relationship with a monogamous man! Wouldn't that be something? I know their out there but I aint looking for them. I think I'll just wait and let them look for me for a change.

Praying or Preying

Since I've started the blog I find that I don't have to go far to find things to write about. Like for instance recently I found myself in a situation where someone asked for prayer and instead of going directly into prayer I started asking what was wrong, what happened and other things that had nothing to do with me praying and everything with me preying. Simply put I was just being nosy. Yes I was concerned for my friend but did I really need to know what the prayer was for? I mean come on, it's not like God didn't know what the situation was I just felt I had a right to know. I felt I had a right to know because I was offering MY prayers. Wow in written form it seems worse than it did in my head when I thought it! How selfish! Would I have honestly with held my prayers if I didn't get the "whole scoop"? One woman's scoop is another person's struggle and I was absolutely wrong in insisting on hearing the where and why's of it all in order to submit and pray for some one who reached out to me asking if I would go before the most High God on their behalf. In stead of counting it as the honor and privileged it was, I treated it as though it was my right.
Psalm 18:27
You save the humble but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.

Once the Lord opened my eyes to what I was doing boy did I ever feel humble and so hurt that I'd made the choice to meddle rather than minister. It is our job as servants of the most High God and joint-heirs with Christ to always be in a humble position of readiness so that we can be used by God to bless others. It is my sincere prayer that when others come to us that we will make every effort to go right into praying and not preying. In the end, not only will they be blessed but we will have allowed God to make us a blessing.

Wonder Woman or Weak Woman

So lately I've been sharing how I met this great guy and how awesome he is. Now I find out that although he is not in a relationship he is having relations, with different women. Ok, after I pick my jaw up off the floor I begin to pray I ask God what is the deal with all the unavailable men who are presenting themselves as available and they seem to only be presenting themselves to me. As I'm pondering this dilemma I get a call from my sister. We talk on a regular basis so a call from her is no big thing except she begins to ask me questions about the guy. I answer all the questions and she says, I don't know why I'm getting in my Spirit that he runs women. I'm thinking you know what Holy Spirit I really don't need this right now. She goes on to tell me that I have to be like wonder woman with the bracelets and learn to deflect the counterfeit men bullets that are trying to keep me from my destiny. She said don't you wonder why they are coming back to back to back? And I'm like yeah, she says it's because Satan knows your destiny is close and in order to keep you from getting to it he's sending these men into your path to distract you and to turn your focus. Ok, so on one hand I'm excited that I'm close to the promise on the other hand I'm thinking, do I have to go into it alone? Now mind you I'm thinking this not out loud but to myself. So my sister says, I know you are thinking why do I have to do this alone? Well you may have to go to the place God is leading you into alone but you won't be lonely and you won't be alone always. When the man God has for you comes he will love you unconditionally just as Christ loves you. So we talk some more then we hang up. I get another call this time from this guy that I really liked at one time but he was, "yep you guessed it" unavailable. He begins to share somethings, says I was on his mind and then asked me how things were going? I said they are going and he asks me what's wrong I tell him I keep meeting the wrong men. Do you know what this guy said? He said the guy your with may not be pressuring you for sex, maybe smooth and says all the right things because he knows that sex is the farthest thing from your mind, what he is doing is making you comfortable so that when he does make his move there will be no resistance from you. You have to gird yourself up and be prepared not to fall for those tricks. Now ain't this something the trickster teaching me how not to fall for tricks. All I can say at this point is, I'm tired and I have now checked my box...unavailable and not interested. Not accepting any applications at this time.

Dreams Re-Visited

How is it that you find yourself sitting on the floor with a man laughing so hard you can barely catch your breath? You take the time to think about the moment and realize you are in a place you were sure you would never be again, comfortable with a man. No sexual demands, no pressure to impress because this man is interested in knowing just you. I met a man who see's me, not the me I present in the hopes that I will be accepted but just plain old, goofy, sensitive, geeky at times beautiful in my own way, me. And I love it. Listening in the dark to his voice as he shares secrets and as I share mine I think how quickly it all came about or was it a slow gradual awakening that sort of snuck up on me without any warning. Every woman I have ever spoken to has always expressed a need and desire to be "seen" by a man. To have that one man see the real her and love it and not only love her but understand who she is and who she can become and how this becoming can affect him in a positive way. I dreamt the same thing they dreamed and wished that which they wished and now that it's here I'm...afraid. Afraid I'm dreaming and when I wake up I'll be alone again or he will realize that the real me is..not enough.

Scary in a Good Way

Recently I found myself embarking on a journey into a new relationship. After a bad divorce and several failures at attempted relationships, this was some place I had no desire to be again, yet here I was. I have to admit, I was afraid and not just apprehensive I was down right scared. I'd convinced myself that it was obvious I was no good at the dating or relationship thing and perhaps I should pursue a life of getting to know me. (It was going really well until people noticed I was talking to...well, me and thought I was strange) Any way I go out on the first date with no expectations and was pleasantly surprised. The guy was intelligent, witty, sensitive and he had a knack for making me laugh. I was feeling him and wondered as a lady of this current century should I wait and see if he asks me out again or do I say something (did I mention I haven't been on a date in 13 years? So yeah I was pretty rusty.) I decided to be the initiator, I said, "So what next?" (Now of course I have second guessed myself at least 1500 times since I asked the question) Oh no he's going to think I'm desperate, he's going to think I'm pushy, he's going to think... 8 million other things. I was stressed out and what was only seconds seemed like hours. He finally answered and said How about Saturday? Saturday? It was Wednesday, and already he wanted to see me again on Saturday? I mean what's the rush fella? Did I say that? What I meant to say was sure, Saturday sounds great. So he hugs me (and it was a good hug not one of those scary icky kind that makes you want to take a shower, but the kind that makes you sigh and like a teenager you replay it over and over again in your mind. ) So now here I am going out on a second date and we've been talking and texting and IM'ing all week. He says maybe one day you can cook dinner for me. Me cook, does canned ravioli count as cooking? I've decided to have one of my good friends who is also a phenomenal cook and baker give me some classes. Not for him for me, I'd like to broaden my horizons and I figure if it will make me look exceptionally well on a date all the better. So I'm still scared about this dating thing but it's not the bad kind it's the scary in a good way and I like it.